grief process – STOPJABBAINGON

COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE (MEETING 2)

Posted on February 14, 2018February 14, 2018 by simonscholes in Blog

MEETING 2

So, it’s that time of the week when I’m heading onto my 2nd session with the wonderful team over at Cruse Bereavement.

So, firstly, for those of you who’re new here, my dad passed away on June 13th last year, and although I mentally understand I need to move on with life, my mind, and my body know subconsciously I’ve not yet dealt with the grief process and keeps slowing me down. So at the end of last year, I decided now was the time to speak with someone, and try and find some coping mechanisms and hopefully find a way through to the other side of the grief. My biggest issue and worry about my grief is that I’m struggling to let go emotionally, when I want to cry, I switch off and move on, and that’s my mental coping mechanism, but, I honestly believe I need to truly have a big release, and so we’re trying to find a way of helping that happen.

So this time it was another opportunity for me and my grief counselor to sit down and discuss in more depth about the previous week. Things that might be playing on my mind more and more after dads passing, and most importantly, the relationship I had with dad.

I know many people don’t get to have much of a relationship with their fathers, so I consider myself incredibly lucky. Dad worked in the merchant navy and was away a huge part of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sad he missed out a huge amount of my life, but, also, he gave me an opportunity to see so much more of the world. I traveled with him when I was younger and he gave me and the rest of my family amazing experiences.

This was where I feel I will be able to move on more than anything with my grief. One of the ideas my counselor came up with for me was to write down about things that are going through my head. So for example, when my mind is going into a bit of a funk and I find myself slowing down mentally, take a moment to write down whats going through my mind. It might not be about dad at that moment in time, but at least I’m getting that problem down on paper, and out of my head.

The 2nd thing I mentioned in my previous blog was a memory jar. I’ve really latched onto this idea, but, I wanted to try and make it my own. The reason being is that, as a creative person, and running my own creative agency, I have so much more than just a one-line experience running through my mind when I remember something.

DEAR DAD…..

So I sat down and discussed my own personal idea, and I want you guys to also be part of this. I’m going to make time to write letters to dad. My own personal dear dad, just writing to him about a specific memory that’s in my mind at that moment. So rather than just writing on a slip of paper, I remember when we went to Russia and slipping it into a jar, I can write dad a whole letter, and write creatively about the experience, the smells, the sounds, the sights, and what it meant to me that he was able to give me that experience. Sometimes the letters will be longer when it’s about big experiences, other times it’ll be about cuddling up with him on the sofa when I was about 5 or 6 years old and watching grandstand on a Saturday afternoon, before as all kids do, I got bored and went to play outside, but those little things are what I want to latch on to, they’re my memories of dad, and I feel they’ll help move me forward in this process.

So, yet again, thank you for listening to my ramblings, and keep your eyes peeled for my first Dear Dad letter which I’ll post on my blog once I’m happy with what I’ve written.

I hope this has helped someone, anyone, in their journey of grief, and if I could suggest anything is everyone’s journey is different, so once you’re ready and in a place to do so, sit down with someone and talk to them, you’ll be amazed what comes out, and what possibly could be other worries you have that are connected to the situation you’re currently in.

So, until my next counseling meeting, take care.

COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ON (GRIEF COUNSELLING MEETING 1)

Posted on February 4, 2018 by simonscholes in Blog

So, last week I finally got the call.

Towards the end of last year, I’d put myself forward through self-referral to speak with a grief councillor.

As you may, or may not know, my dad passed away very suddenly on June 13th, 2017. It came as a huge shock to me and the family, but, I’ve always felt like I need to just move forward. However, I soon realised my grief was not going to allow this. Let me try to give you a little background.

My name’s Simon, and I run my own visual marketing agency in the UK. I’m a former athlete and have always been used to being able to put my head down and crack into any task, be it running 8 X 400m, or producing leads for my business, and everything in between. Just after dad died, I chose to go to Business Biscotti. This is a networking event that takes place near to where I live. Everything seemed to be going fine, then we came to the stand in a circle and pitch your business moment. As always, I went into a bit of an autopilot and produced a flawless pitch to everyone in the room, and this is when it went all wrong. After the pitches had finished, I was approached by a number of people wanting to know more about our offering, and how we could help their businesses. My brain basically did a massive fart, and the only thought going through my mind, wasn’t brilliant lots of interested people, it was, I wish you lot would just FUCK OFF.

Obviously, this isn’t how I portrayed myself externally, and I politely asked them all for their business cards and excused myself. I didn’t go back to business networking again for the next 5 months or so. It was my bodies way of telling me, this is too soon Simon, you need to heal.

Dads funeral came and went, and I did his eulogy on the day. I thought this might be a chance for me to draw a line under everything and move forward. It was honestly the worst and one of the best moments of my life. I was able to tell everyone in that room how much I loved him, what he gave to me and my family over the years, and how being part of their lives he also affected them too. Yes, I had to stop a number of times to truly compose myself, but, I got through it, and hopefully did him proud.

The thing is, with grief, there’s no real plan of attack. You never know when you’re done going through it. A friend of mine said something very wise just after dad was gone. “Time’s a great healer, what a load of bollocks, time simply distances you from the pain” And how true those words where. In the weeks and months to follow, it didn’t really get any easier. I found myself immersing myself in the work I had coming in, but, I also found it incredibly difficult to stay focused. I’d be working hard and the next thing I’d know is the next 3 hours will have disappeared and I’d done nothing on my work. I do a lot of the editing for the business, and this became arduous and elongated as a task. What would normally have taken me a couple of hours, was now taking me days to complete, and this was another missive indicator to me that my mind was still not in the right space, and, I was struggling.

I spoke about this with my wife, and a little with my family, mainly my sister, and after a while, I decided that maybe speaking to a grief counselor was the right route for me. I’d read all about the stages of grief, and how I should get angry at some point etc. etc, but, the most worrying thing for me was, when I spoke fondly about my dad, and I want to cry, I shut off emotionally and move on, I don’t cry at all. It’s as if I’m telling my brain, well, I’ve cried enough now, so pack it in, you’ve got work to do. I also know this is not a healthy approach to healing which is why I again decided the counseling was the way forward.

I contacted Cruse Bereavement in November. They’re a fantastic charity, helping individuals and families through their grief after the loss of a loved one. They’re not there to give you answers, but, to help draw you towards the right approach to helping you with your grief.

So that brings us to now. I had a bit of a wait until a counselor was available to help me, but, last week, I got the call. Can you come in and meet me this coming week. We arranged for the Wednesday, and as the day approached I became more and more apprehensive, have I decided to do the right thing? What if I’m over my grief really and they can’t help me? What if she doesn’t really have any ideas for me?

Well, I pushed myself and made sure I went along to my first meeting. 4pm, Wednesday 31st January 2018. I met a lovely lady, who sat down with me, and explained how the system works. She’s almost a facilitator, as I mentioned earlier, she doesn’t have the answers, but, can hopefully give me the tools to help me cope with the loss of dad. Nobody said this was going to be easy, but, I’m so glad I’ve now started on the road to recovery.

We spoke about dad and our relationship. What he did for a living, and how long he was away for (he was in the merchant navy and spent a lot of my childhood away for work). I spoke about how lucky I was to have him in my life, the experiences we had together, in fact even writing this now, I remember more and more of the session my brain had almost stored away a little, maybe for a time like now when I can put it down onto paper.

We decided between us that perhaps a couple of nice ideas to help me through my daydream moments would be to write. Instead of simply drifting along and daydreaming and losing a few hours, when I realise I’m in a bit of a funk, sit down and write, it doesn’t necessarily have to be about dad, just whatever comes out as I put pen to paper. That way, no matter what it is that’s causing me to feel the way I am, at that moment will come out of me.

Also, a 2nd idea she gave me as we were speaking was a memory jar, which I felt was a truly lovely idea. Just have a whole bunch of slips of paper, and every time I remember something about dad, a moment in time, something he said, a time he made me laugh etc. etc. I write it down and slip it into the memory jar. If the feeling ever takes me, I could sit down and read these moments back again, or, purely leave them in the jar as a way of getting those times out and not essentially have them playing on my mind constantly.

Both these ideas really appealed to me, firstly for the slightly creative element to them of the writing, but, also because they’re not things that will take much time or effort for me to do. My life won’t be taken over by doing them, and even though writing this blog isn’t part of my therapy, getting this down on the computer is making me feel better.

So, there we have it, my first step towards recovery. I don’t know how long it will take for me to be over my grief, and what the future sessions have in store, but, I’m hoping my guard will slowly lower itself and my emotions will come to the forefront.

Thanks for listening, and I hope if you’re going through anything like this yourself, it’s maybe helped you, even just a little.

See you next time.

Simon

IT’S NOT FEELING LIKE CHRISTMAS

Posted on December 13, 2017 by simonscholes in Blog

WOW, not written one of these in a long time. I must apologise that the below blog was literally me just typing and seeing what came out. I just wanted to start documenting a journey I’m about to begin, and this is my way of doing it.

So, we’re into the festive season once again.

Even at 40 years old, I have always loved this time of year. I may well be an adult, but, I’m a child at heart, I love all those things kids love, the magic, the colours, the smells, the food, and most importantly, the time with family and friends.

Obviously, I know that, that’s not what the holiday season is all about for those people who enjoy the religious aspect, however, for me this is it.

So why, do I this year find myself struggling to get into the festive spirit.

Well, as some of you will already know, earlier this year I lost my dad. Now, I know I’m not the first person in the world to lose someone, and I know I won’t be the last. In fact the only 2 things we can be sure of in life is that we’ll pay taxes, and that we’ll die one day. This however, doesn’t make it any easier.

I’ve been exceptionally lucky I have the most wonderful friends and family around me, who are happy to just sit and listen to me going on about how great my dad was, how lucky I was to have him around for 40 years of my life. Especially when I have so many friends who lost their dads at a much younger age than me.

This is kind of why I wanted to write this blog, firstly to get my own feelings out on paper. I’ll be honest, I’m struggling with the death of my dad, and I’ve started the proceedings to get some professional grief counselling in early 2018 (it’s quite a long waiting list, but, that’s another story).

I currently find myself sitting with a huge aching in my heart, but a blockage in my feelings. Something that is frankly stopping me getting through the grief process. I don’t know what it is, but, I do know it’s affecting my work, and my mindset, which is why I’ve taken the step to get help.

I just wanted anyone else who’s in the same position as me, or going through something much worse than losing a loved parent, know, you’re not alone, you do have people around you who’ll listen, and, if you don’t want to lay your problems at their door, there are others who’ll sit down and hear you….without judgement…..without malice, but, with love, and open arms.

I’ve not even started the process yet, but, I can tell you right now, I already feel I’m on the road to recovery by just getting in touch with them. As I write this, I think I’m going to write a blog after each session I have with the counsellor, just to let you know how the process works, because, that’s the one thing that scared me at first, I didn’t know what to expect, I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT, but, not everyone can take that first step, so maybe my blogs will help you.

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings, and that’s basically what they are, and I look forward to you joining me on my journey.

I don’t for one second believe it’s going to be easy, not in anyway shape or form, but, I hope it will help me push forward, and continue to live life and make dad proud of me, as much as I am proud of him and how much he sacrificed, and gave me and my family over the years.