So, last week I finally got the call.
Towards the end of last year, I’d put myself forward through self-referral to speak with a grief councillor.
As you may, or may not know, my dad passed away very suddenly on June 13th, 2017. It came as a huge shock to me and the family, but, I’ve always felt like I need to just move forward. However, I soon realised my grief was not going to allow this. Let me try to give you a little background.
My name’s Simon, and I run my own visual marketing agency in the UK. I’m a former athlete and have always been used to being able to put my head down and crack into any task, be it running 8 X 400m, or producing leads for my business, and everything in between. Just after dad died, I chose to go to Business Biscotti. This is a networking event that takes place near to where I live. Everything seemed to be going fine, then we came to the stand in a circle and pitch your business moment. As always, I went into a bit of an autopilot and produced a flawless pitch to everyone in the room, and this is when it went all wrong. After the pitches had finished, I was approached by a number of people wanting to know more about our offering, and how we could help their businesses. My brain basically did a massive fart, and the only thought going through my mind, wasn’t brilliant lots of interested people, it was, I wish you lot would just FUCK OFF.
Obviously, this isn’t how I portrayed myself externally, and I politely asked them all for their business cards and excused myself. I didn’t go back to business networking again for the next 5 months or so. It was my bodies way of telling me, this is too soon Simon, you need to heal.
Dads funeral came and went, and I did his eulogy on the day. I thought this might be a chance for me to draw a line under everything and move forward. It was honestly the worst and one of the best moments of my life. I was able to tell everyone in that room how much I loved him, what he gave to me and my family over the years, and how being part of their lives he also affected them too. Yes, I had to stop a number of times to truly compose myself, but, I got through it, and hopefully did him proud.
The thing is, with grief, there’s no real plan of attack. You never know when you’re done going through it. A friend of mine said something very wise just after dad was gone. “Time’s a great healer, what a load of bollocks, time simply distances you from the pain” And how true those words where. In the weeks and months to follow, it didn’t really get any easier. I found myself immersing myself in the work I had coming in, but, I also found it incredibly difficult to stay focused. I’d be working hard and the next thing I’d know is the next 3 hours will have disappeared and I’d done nothing on my work. I do a lot of the editing for the business, and this became arduous and elongated as a task. What would normally have taken me a couple of hours, was now taking me days to complete, and this was another missive indicator to me that my mind was still not in the right space, and, I was struggling.
I spoke about this with my wife, and a little with my family, mainly my sister, and after a while, I decided that maybe speaking to a grief counselor was the right route for me. I’d read all about the stages of grief, and how I should get angry at some point etc. etc, but, the most worrying thing for me was, when I spoke fondly about my dad, and I want to cry, I shut off emotionally and move on, I don’t cry at all. It’s as if I’m telling my brain, well, I’ve cried enough now, so pack it in, you’ve got work to do. I also know this is not a healthy approach to healing which is why I again decided the counseling was the way forward.
I contacted Cruse Bereavement in November. They’re a fantastic charity, helping individuals and families through their grief after the loss of a loved one. They’re not there to give you answers, but, to help draw you towards the right approach to helping you with your grief.
So that brings us to now. I had a bit of a wait until a counselor was available to help me, but, last week, I got the call. Can you come in and meet me this coming week. We arranged for the Wednesday, and as the day approached I became more and more apprehensive, have I decided to do the right thing? What if I’m over my grief really and they can’t help me? What if she doesn’t really have any ideas for me?
Well, I pushed myself and made sure I went along to my first meeting. 4pm, Wednesday 31st January 2018. I met a lovely lady, who sat down with me, and explained how the system works. She’s almost a facilitator, as I mentioned earlier, she doesn’t have the answers, but, can hopefully give me the tools to help me cope with the loss of dad. Nobody said this was going to be easy, but, I’m so glad I’ve now started on the road to recovery.
We spoke about dad and our relationship. What he did for a living, and how long he was away for (he was in the merchant navy and spent a lot of my childhood away for work). I spoke about how lucky I was to have him in my life, the experiences we had together, in fact even writing this now, I remember more and more of the session my brain had almost stored away a little, maybe for a time like now when I can put it down onto paper.
We decided between us that perhaps a couple of nice ideas to help me through my daydream moments would be to write. Instead of simply drifting along and daydreaming and losing a few hours, when I realise I’m in a bit of a funk, sit down and write, it doesn’t necessarily have to be about dad, just whatever comes out as I put pen to paper. That way, no matter what it is that’s causing me to feel the way I am, at that moment will come out of me.
Also, a 2nd idea she gave me as we were speaking was a memory jar, which I felt was a truly lovely idea. Just have a whole bunch of slips of paper, and every time I remember something about dad, a moment in time, something he said, a time he made me laugh etc. etc. I write it down and slip it into the memory jar. If the feeling ever takes me, I could sit down and read these moments back again, or, purely leave them in the jar as a way of getting those times out and not essentially have them playing on my mind constantly.
Both these ideas really appealed to me, firstly for the slightly creative element to them of the writing, but, also because they’re not things that will take much time or effort for me to do. My life won’t be taken over by doing them, and even though writing this blog isn’t part of my therapy, getting this down on the computer is making me feel better.
So, there we have it, my first step towards recovery. I don’t know how long it will take for me to be over my grief, and what the future sessions have in store, but, I’m hoping my guard will slowly lower itself and my emotions will come to the forefront.
Thanks for listening, and I hope if you’re going through anything like this yourself, it’s maybe helped you, even just a little.
See you next time.
Simon
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